Abandonment

It isn’t easy trying to heal from the things that really hurt you. For me abandonment is something that I constantly struggle with. Being abandoned and never receiving any closer is probably one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with. I was left with so many unanswered questions. Eventually, because I didn’t receive any answers, I was left to think of all the things that could be wrong with me for this to happen. Was I not good enough, worthy enough, pretty enough, or smart enough? Did I not deserve the respect of having a simple conversation? It was extremely hard to process and still is to be honest.

There is always the fear that everyone will abandon me too. How can I ever really trust someone again? I would much rather leave first, before they do. Now, I see every little thing as a red flag. When people disappear for a while it scares me. When people make comments like, “I don’t want to be bothered,” it makes me feel like I need to run away first. What’s even worse, is when I have been brave and vulnerable enough to share with someone my issues with abandonment, and they continue to hit my trigger points. The moment anyone does something that reminds me of the past, I run. I know what the end result is, and it is a painful one. I figure, if I end the relationship first, the pain won’t be as bad. If I walk away first, then I don’t have to worry about the other person walking away without warning.

Now let me be clear that this is not just when it comes to an intimate partner, this is dealing with every possible relationship. That includes friends, and family members. My biggest fear in life, is having someone that I care about disappear on me again without any explanation. It is something that I am afraid that would break me if it happened again. I am always praying that God will release this stronghold. I know it won’t be healthy to continue to put walls up because of this. I know that I can’t possibly trust anyone completely as long as I am still dealing with this. Trust is something that I have not been able to give 100%.

We all have our one or two things that we really struggle with, and this is mine. I am not perfect, nor do I ever try to be. I am flawed just like everyone else. I battle with my stronghold every day. There is not a single moment when my antennas are not up keeping watch for any red flags. Despite all the coaching, and motivating and helping others, I still have feelings too. I still have insecurities too. I pray that through my vulnerability and my willingness to share helps others feel that they are not alone. I hope it makes them realize that we all have things that we struggle with and it’s okay. It’s a process, and we won’t be stuck in this place always.

Peace and Love!