Postpartum Struggles

For some reason, this is not something that people talk about very often. I knew it existed, but I never imagined that it would knock on my door and how it would take over my life. Postpartum depression and anxiety are both scary and dangerous things. It hits you when you least expect it and are totally unprepared for it. Well, at least that’s how it happened for me. At first it just made me feel like I’m being a terrible mom. Every time someone makes a comment about what they think I should do, or how I should take care of my baby, it triggers me. It makes me feel so low. I feel like I can’t do anything right in these moments. At first, I would hold it all in. When I finally got the courage to say something to certain people, it wasn’t received well. Just when I thought I couldn’t feel any lower…. BOOM!

The next thing that hit me was the constant worrying. Is my baby okay? Is he eating enough? Is he eating too much? Is he unhappy? Can I be doing something better? What if he gets sick? These are questions that I sometimes still have to deal with in my head. I struggle with feeling like I’m doing enough for him.

The next part of this is the negative thoughts. I have terrible dreams at night. I always have a bad feeling like something is going to go wrong. I have feelings of sadness and thoughts of death that I can’t seem to control. Trying to control my mind seems impossible some days. Then I start feeling even worse because there is this beautiful baby boy who is depending on me for survival, and I can’t even get these crazy thoughts out of my head.

This leads me the next part of this. The pressure to always provide food for my baby. They struggle of pumping all the time or letting him latch on in order to breastfeed. Some pumping sessions are great and I get the amount that I need, and some sessions have been just straight up depressing. What happens if I can’t provide all that he needs? I feel like no one around me understands the pressure I feel. I don’t get time off at all. I am constantly thinking of what I can do to be sure I’m producing enough milk. My mind is always going a million miles per hour. Somedays I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I wish someone could truly understand what I feel like.

Loneliness! The feeling of loneliness is so real! I feel like I am in this by myself. I am struggling and no one around me seems to even notice or care. At least that’s what the postpartum anxiety tells me most days. Seeking professional help is for sure necessary. I’m glad I have the resources to be able to get the help that I need. I feel like my life literally depends on me getting the proper help. I feel like I am going to end up resenting everyone around me and hating myself in the end without help.

Feeling less than is becoming extremely overwhelming. Some days I just wat to curl up in a little ball and disappear. I feel like maybe if I could just disappear for a minute, it would all go away. Maybe the thoughts and feelings that I have would just slow down for a moment if I could get away.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love my child more than anything in this world. I can’t imagine my life without him now. He is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. His smile is the best thing I’ve ever seen. He is truly a gift from God. I don’t feel worthy enough to have such an amazing and adorable son. Unfortunately, postpartum is not what I thought it would be. I know this is only a season, and that it will get better. I just wish I felt that I had more support in this. I wish I had other women around me who could relate and help me get through this. I feel like I am going through this journey all by myself.

I wanted to share this because I know that I am not the only one that has ever dealt with this. I know that other women have experienced this. I pray that those who need to know that they are not alone read this. I pray that every single woman suffering with postpartum depression or anxiety is able to get the help they need. I pray that every woman who is struggling gets through this season. You are not alone! We can and will overcome this trial. We deserve to make it through!