Private Pain

No one really knew my thoughts. No one knew my heart. The days and night filled with tears, pain, frustration and anger. There were nights that I wished life would just end. There were nights that I didn't even have the words to pray. All I could manage to cry out was... "God help!"

So many nights I cried myself to sleep. Other nights I would toss and turn and could never seem to get comfortable. I was broken into a million pieces, shattered like ashes sprinkled over the Atlantic Ocean. Once something is shattered it never looks the same again. It will never be as seamless as it once was. You will always be able to tell it was once broken.

See I was so worried that I would be damaged goods. What would I do now? What could I do? I knew that I would never be the same, but at the time I wasn't sure if that was a good thing of bad. People didn't make that any easier for me.

Everyone pointed their finger while they judged who they thought I was or what they thought that I had done. The same people who said they loved me. The same people that were supposed to be family and close friends are the same ones who acted as if I no longer existed. I guess I thought I didn't hear the whispers. I guess they thought that no one would tell me what they said about me. Not one single person who judged me knew anything about who I really was and who I was becoming.

People are so quick to believe nonsense because they want a good story, but at who's expense? This is my life and its not some reality television show for people to view, rate, and lave their worthless reviews. Instead coming to me as adults, they chose to be senseless and petty grown children. In the beginning I was so angry. I felt like I hated everyone. How dare they drag my name through the dirt? How dare they mistreat me? How dare they think they know what goes on in my house? I was filled with such disappointment and such depression.

People are so quick to judge others even though their lives are a wreck, it's just not exposed all the time. I learned quickly that this was going to be a lonely process. I learned that it needed to be a lonely process. For this process would set the tone for the rest of my life.

There were so many days that I didn't want to even exist because of all of it. Days when I felt that I was absolutely worthless. I figured this could only happen to me because I was a nobody. I had days where I hated myself. I didn't feel pretty, special, or worthy of anyone's affection. See the enemy will try to get you in a place of loneliness and depression to try to take you away from the things God has in store for you. He will try everything in his power to keep you away from God.

No one knew how I really felt. I would only expose bits and pieces to those closest to me, but never did I ever tell anyone what was really going on. No one knew about the many nights that I cried myself to sleep. No one knew of the days that I thought of grabbing a bag and never coming back. The headaches, the pain, the days without food...AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! The days I couldn't do anything else but scream!

I knew I couldn't stay in this place, but how could I come out when the storm was at its strongest point? What was the game plan? Where would I go from here?

(Excerpt from my book)